Many of us now have our children reaching or being close to the age of partnering. Some of them will likely even re-marry in life. It set me thinking. What would be a reasonable or appropriate approach to an arranged marriage that is between two who have fallen in love and their will being respected and the primary driver?
I came up with the following 12-step approach which I think carries a strong stamp of a typical Indian or Asian cultural model. Of course, individual circumstances will call for appropriate modifications.
Recommended Dating and "Arranged Marriage" approaches in Modern times.
The Typical Modern Eastern Culture Model:
1. Boy(Girl) meets Girl (Boy). Like each other. Communicate verbally for sometime.
2. Contact family and extended family members of the Girl(Boy)
talk to them and develop acquaintance or friendship
3. Indicate expression of interest and find details about the family and extended family members with a clear purpose, even just for info. This can involve looking at their attitudes, businesses, standing in the community etc. It may not be a determining factor in deciding a marriage, but they want to know or find out if there is something major and untoward.
4. Express firm interest in developing a link between the families, find people who like the idea and support it
5. Find out about the personal details, career, ambitions attitude of the Boy(Girl) from the "other" family.
6. Perform a criminal, financial and medical background check to know important details of Boy(Girl). Perform blood test - to be sure they are safe from some terrible or communicable disease etc. Any such disease or condition does not mean someone is automatically ruled out, but there is a plan to deal with it and manage what is known.
7. Encourage contact between/ facilitate Boy/Girl to go out on 'Dates'. Boy and Girl hold hands, kiss and cuddle perhaps, but no sex, especially unprotected sex.
8. Find out if liking persists and if compatibility persists on a number of dates and propose marriage. If the partners already have children from a previous marriage introduce the children to each other and the rest of the family.
9. Boy and Girl weigh each other for lifetime commitment. Elders and friends may give their input too. (They may get it wrong, but still make the effort to consider it).
10. Boy and Girl still practice safe (protected) sex if both, only when the girl/boy clearly consents sober, or even takes the initiative. This way the boy/girl respects the other's will, knows for sure and everyone is happy.
11. Fix a date of marriage, invite everyone. Have a big ceremony.
12. Boy and Girl can live happily together and now have unprotected sex if they so wish.
What do you think?
Can someone from the Western culture comment on their suggested variations? I would expect that they would have the items related to knowing the extended families pretty low down the order, if at all! I do believe they consider that as a factor but do not talk much about it publicly.
If you think it appropriate, feel free to share it or post it on your grown up children's Facebook wall! :-) They may have a laugh - even perhaps a nervous one. ;-)
Copyright (c) Kannan Narayanamurthy 2016
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