Feel like a Heel?

In midlife, well actually a bit past it, He was looking up profiles of ladies online, looking for a possible soul-mate. He was of Indian origin, a small minority in this land. It was Australia and the year 2011, but since humans evolved into societies and looked for potential mates, certain things seem to have been constant, though hidden from him all these years. He was discovering this for the first time, after the end of his first marriage. The first marriage had come about by falling in love at random, without preparation, without expectations, and without specifications. Now, all the people in the marketplace for love with him, were not first timers.

I asked him how his search was going and how he felt.

“I feel like a heel,” said He with a cheeky smile. Obviously, he did not feel as if he had done something terrible, but he usually meant what he said. So I asked him to explain and this is what I found out. My friend had learned a thing or two about mature, adult love seekers looking for a second, third or further chance at true love and partners with all the wisdom and life experience they had gathered all these years. Here is what he said:

“I thought I was doing well, starting off. There is usually a section where they list their expectations of (or requirements in) an ideal partner that they seek – few will ever settle for anything less than the minimums they specify. The majority seemed very open and flexible in their expectations when it came to mentioning specific race, religion, political views, educational qualifications and some even with the current marital status.  

Virtually all wanted a true, sincere, honest person with a great sense of humour who liked to show how much they would cherish their new partner. This was a given starting point. Most expressed looking for something beyond material wealth, though some let know they expected it or that they had it. Even this is relatively easy or possible to attain and exhibit with effort. I have felt I am almost there and then it falls apart.

It has happened countless times. I seem to find the perfect person for me, she looks OK or even very attractive to me, the personal situation is just right – the location, the kids, the education, interests, their plans for the future, everything is just great, I see that I am perfect for her too in all these areas.  But then, I have learned to look carefully again, before proceeding. These days I check on one more crucial section and usually I have had to pull back.. I am not tall enough.”

“What?? I said, “You are almost 5 feet 8 inches and there are women around I see who are a lot shorter than you,” I exclaimed.

“Yes, but you don’t know something,” He said, “Let me explain.”

He continued:

“I knew most women sought tall men. Initially, I used to think it is because they would have bigger feet. Then I came to realise there is something more important as well.

Let us consider the case of a woman who is, say, 5 feet 0 inches tall, independent, successful, into spirituality, cares more about inner beauty in a man, social justice, likes to care for the planet and wants a guy with no pretensions, mutual respect as an equally valued partner and puts up her profile. She thinks ahead to all possible important future situations, which an Indian man is likely to miss. Australian men seem to know it and tailor their profiles or expectations accordingly.

Here is the scenario – There are a handful of occasions in an Australian couple’s lives when they are seen together next to each other and it is apparently very, very, important that they present the right picture. The first time they meet, or when the couple in love go out together, dressed in their best for a dinner or a dance, their wedding or for formal occasions – He wears a tuxedo/suit and She wears a form-fitting outfit or a lovely crafted dress with matching high-heel shoes that makes her look stunning. When they stand together next to each other, or are dancing facing each other, holding each other, they strike a pose and form a perfect picture of beauty. In this picture, she looks up slightly into his eyes, he leans forward, slightly down to kiss her on the mouth. This requires the perfect difference in height between the two – an inch off here or there and the whole picture is messed up!

The hardest things sought, that is impossible to fake or achieve, if you don’t already have it, is this - (drum roll please!!!) – “The correct difference in height between you and your otherwise perfect partner”. God help you, if you don’t. Sorry, I take it back, even God cannot help you with this one..

 So, both partners have to take into account their respective heights and the heel size the woman can wear comfortably, look sexy and not break a bone falling off them. They both work this out – the man has to take into account the thickness of this shoe soles. Most women and men do this calculation and specify their partner requirements properly when advertising themselves. Women usually specify a lower limit, and men specify an upper limit of their partner’s height.

I in my ignorance have approached women, who if we got together would have presented a different picture. Most women in Australia are my height or more, I cannot wear high heels, feel like I am on stilts and would get dizzy due to vertigo. If my partner wore high-heels on top of her existing height advantage, we would mess up the ideal picture. Of course, some of the women I am interested in are much taller than I am and we would have presented a far more interesting picture. If we actually took pictures, we could not comfortably show them to our kids or any kids until they are adults themselves. We would likely have injured ourselves, thrown a back or neck trying to make our picture conform to presentable norms…

Hence, this 5 feet nothing woman, will normally specify her partner be  “atleast 5 feet 10 inches” or taller. This means she is likely to expect to wear 8 inch high-heeled shoes. If she did not feel comfortable in more than 6 inch high heels, she would accept life partners who are atleast 5 feet 8 inches or taller.

You might read all about the life goals, the interesting thing this woman has and you think she could be it. You look carefully, and there is a section on ‘Height’ both for the seeker and for potential partner and suddenly it hits you, “You can’t make it!!”  Now I have learned to start by looking at the height requirements in the woman’s profile first, only then I read further.

I cannot tell you how many times I have come up an inch short.. There are similar instances of me being 1 year older or living 10 km further.. If you are not in the correct range of height, forget it. You need not apply. Move on.. just like they advise guys seeking one night stands or friends with privileges to do so. You might as well be a heel..”

I feel for my friend. It’s the way of the world, strange but true. I commiserate with him -  “Oh, all the lost possibilities of life-long happiness, just an inch, an year or a few kilometers away..”

 I wish him well.. Never give up hope, I say..

Copyright  (c) Kannan Narayanamurthy 2012
All rights reserved