When PNC Shambhu went to the USA for his graduate studies, he was still a young man, eager to learn and share insights about different places and people. He was very fortunate to get a 'host' family who kept a loving, watchful eye over him as part of a program arranged by his university. They introduced him to life in the new country. They sometimes took him in during holidays and occasions. It was a single parent family - a mother raising two adopted children. One of them happened to be from India, born not far from his home town. Naturally, Shambhu was invited to get to know the young boy and to speak to him - sometimes in his native language, which he happened to know a little. The family and friends of the host family often watched their interaction with interest. They asked really good, keen questions in an effort to make the child feel more at home and accepted. They also treated Shambhu in an equally loving and kind manner. The little Indian boy was a bit shy and wary at first and then grew more comfortable as he came to know Shambhu.
The mother, the lady who was his host, was a lovely, friendly lady who had a truly generous spirit and accepting heart. She was of medium build and appeared to be of some indeterminate middle age to Shambhu. Shambhu was fresh and new to a new society where most people looked very different to those he had grown up around, in India. He could not easily remember their faces or tell their age. They all seemed to have more variations in hair colour than he was used to in India, where it was mostly black or white or black-and-white and it was easier to tell people's ages. Here in the USA, it was very difficult - the natural hair colour itself varied widely and many of the colours in the spectrum found were apparently not even natural. He could not tell much from their skin tone or texture either. White skin was tougher to read than the browns he was familiar with.
In India, when one meets a stranger for the first time, their age is determined by the first glance and one instinctively figures out the appropriate words, tone and attitude to adopt towards them. There are culturally clear, appropriate but different terms and words to use with each of them. Anything else is not acceptable or respectful. The rules are roughly as follows:
_Those who were much younger are to be addressed as 'sons' or 'daughters' if one is an adult. Else, one needs to address them as younger siblings.
_Peers are to be addressed as 'brothers' or 'sisters' of equal rank, those slightly older than oneself are to be addressed as 'elder brother' or 'elder sister'. Those that are younger are to be addressed as 'little brother or little sister'.
_Those who are of one's parent's age are to be called 'uncles' and 'aunts' and those much older than that are to be addressed as 'grandfather' and 'grandmother'.
There are specific words and terms to be used for each 'relationship', in all Indian languages. Even other common words in general conversation will have a different ending or modifications when applied to each of the relationships to denote the proper respect. The correct ones are to be used as a default. That is most respectful. When in doubt, to err on the safe side, assume that they are in the next older bracket, so they get promoted to a higher level of default respect. People appreciate that in India. They often get offended if one is assumed to belong to the younger set and the words are not as respectful as they would like. Of course, they can tell you are pulling their leg if you treat someone as far older than their age and call them 'grandfather' or 'grandmother' if they are aged in their 30s.
The words, tones and greetings change with the relative age level. No disrespect is intended to anyone, but extra, obvious respect is expected and appropriate for the higher levels, affection is expected towards the much younger.
It was all so different from the new culture in the USA for Shambhu, where the lady introduced herself by her given name and everyone called each other by the given name, no matter what the age difference. Shambhu knew this but was still a bit uncomfortable and still getting used to it. He knew he had to call everyone by their name, but he still subconsciously tried to express the respect and deference in other ways.
Knowing his penchant for putting his foot in his mouth, Shambhu had been counselled by some experienced friends in India, before he set foot outside his India. They had many bits of wisdom for him -
"Never bring up or express strong opinions on religion or politics, particularly in social gatherings."
"Never ask a man how much he earns or how much wealth he owns"
"Never ask a woman her age or refer to her weight".
Even though it seemed many such bits of wisdom had simply glided past and over his head, looking at his expression, some had actually registered within Shambhu. He remembered and was careful.
Nevertheless, PNC Shambhu had an innate, natural curiosity to know how to address the lady who was his host. He was careful never to ask her, her age. Once, as she was driving him, they got to talking about him learning to drive and getting his driving license. He admitted he had never driven a car before and did not have a driving license. He was told he had to carry one always with him if he drove in the USA.
"Will it not get crumpled?" asked Shambhu, remembering the full A4 size piece of paper that was the driving license that he had observed in India at that time.
"No, it is small and made of tough plastic," replied the lady,"Like this driving license of mine here."
She took out a small plastic card from her wallet, carefully covered a section of it and showed it to him. It showed her picture and address but she had covered a portion of it that was printed.
The lady smiled, knowingly! He was a bit puzzled.
"What is that portion?" he asked innocently.
"I am not showing or telling," she replied with a cheeky smile.
"What is there, though?" asked Shambhu.
"It has my date of birth," she replied, surprised at the apparent lack of wisdom in this chap from India.
"Why do you hide it?" persisted Shambhu.
She gave him a look that mixed surprise, pity and kindness very well.
"I dont want you to know," she replied in a tone that matched her look.
It was then that Shambhu's memory and intelligence kicked in. He remembered the dictum - "Never ask a woman her age!"
After that incident, Shambhu noticed that a lot of women in the USA covered up the date-of-birth when they showed him or others their driving license. It was apparently quite common and normal. He made a mental note. Though his curiosity was aroused he successfully set it aside and moved on.
One day, about an year down the road, as he was visiting his 'host' family it was a large gathering for Christmas dinner. Many friends of the host were also there with their families. The young Indian boy had picked up a lot of English and he was getting more comfortable and conversant in that. He spoke to Shambhu in English too, though occasionally he and the host would insert a word or two from the native Indian language of the little boy. Those had become part of their family vocabulary and everyone knew what it meant, even their American friends.
Shambhu was playing a sort of game with the little boy, which is quite common and easy with kids. It is particularly irresistible to boys. A good title for this game would be 'One Upmanship'.
Little boys cannot wait to grow up, to be bigger and stronger, better and have everything bigger and better than others. So, they cannot resist bragging about anything they have. It is particularly interesting when they are just starting to have a not-quite-precise grasp of numbers and quantities - what is greater and what is smaller.
Shambhu was, of course, taller than the young boy. He could sometimes hold things above him, out of his reach and the little boy would reach and stretch. He was also naturally stronger and could often win a game of tug-of-war after some show of great effort which made the little boy believe he was almost as strong as Shambhu. They had just finished a tug-of-war that Shambhu 'lost' and the little boy was feeling good and strong. He figured he had grown up a lot in the time since he had first met Shambhu. He wanted to express his joy at having grown bigger, stronger and older. So, they were in the mood for 'One Upmanship' that day and most adults were watching with a smile as they sat back to digest the lovely meal. The wine they had and were having was inducing a happy, hazy feeling all around.
"I am stronger than you today," said the little boy.
"Well, I was not feeling well and not at my best today. Just you wait until I get better. I will win then," said Shambhu, faking disappointment. A few adults nearby smiled and laughed.
"I have 10 dollars," said the little boy pulling out a currency note that he had got as a gift.
Shambhu put his hands in his pocket and pulled out a coin.
"I have 25 cents. 25 is bigger than 10," he claimed cheekily.
The little boy was stumped. There were little titters of laughter from around the room as more adults watched the fun. The boy's mother too watched smiling.
"I will be 7 years old soon," said the little boy proudly, hoping for some acknowledgement as his birthday was coming up soon.
"I will be 28 years old, I am four times as old as you!," teased Shambhu, knowing what the boy really wanted to hear.
The litte boy knew he was beaten in this round too.
A cheeky thought occurred and slight smile flashed across Shambhu's face for just a moment.
He casually said,"My sister in India is 30 years old!"
Immediately the little boy jumped up and said,"My mother is ThirtyX years old!" to the stunned audience. All the women were silent and the men cracked up laughing.
A more wicked thought and smile came upon Shambhu.
"My mother weighs a hundred pounds!" he said slowly turning to the little boy, emphasising the word 'hundred'. It was actually quite accurate, since his mother was of an unusually slight and slender frame.
The little boy could not bear it any longer.
He had seen the picture of Shambhu's mother and was confident that his mother weighed more.
"My mother weighs two hundred pounds,"he loudly proclaimed.
Of course, that was not true. That lady weighed far less.
Now even the men fell silent for a moment. They all looked at Shambhu's face. Then suddenly the whole house broke into good hearty laughter. The poor boy was surprised. He stopped smiling and thought they were all laughing at him.
"Are you not Mom? Do you not weigh more than Shambhu's mom? Tell him how much you weigh!!" he asked turning to her. That poor, lovely woman, she was mortified!! She flushed a deep red.
"I don't want to play anymore with you," the little boy said to Shambhu with some resentment.
"About time too! Before you give away more of my secrets. Come here, darling" said his mother as she took his hand and led him away.
Copyright (c) Kannan Narayanamurthy 2015
All rights reserved
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