Fifty-Fifty

Setting:  A big conference hall or small theater. Moderators are on stage or at the head of the table next to a large screen projection/Electronic Whiteboard. A group of men are seated on one side of the moderators and a group of women are seated on the other side. There is an audience seated and watching the whole discussion as it unfolds.

Cast of characters: Moderators 1 and 2 (One female and one male), About ten women and ten men who are attending the session.

Moderator 1: Hello, everyone! Welcome to Fifty-fifty! This is a forum for those that believe or expect 'equality' or a '50/50' distribution of rights and responsibilities in a marriage. For those that do not care about it or do not have expectations, this discussion does not matter. So long as the partners agree to any arrangement suitable to them, it is nobody else's business. 'Fairness' as judged by anyone else is less important to them than love and what they can do for each other. Each of them only focuses on what they can contribute with no hard expectations of the other. They may work out whoever can do whatever best at the moment and go on happily in life. In this way, they will manage happily. They might be here only as observers without a passionate stance on issues. This is for those who do not have such a relationship.

Talking about equality and fairness between spouses in a relationship or marriage, let's start with a basic, fair, down the middle, absolutely equal share of expectations of each other and responsibilities as listed below. If there is something you feel needs to be added, it has to be identical in both the columns.

The following Table appears on the big screen so that everyone can see it clearly.

Fifty-Fifty Table - Default

Item	Woman	Man
1.	Accept Man as he is- No specific requirement	Accept Woman as she is – No specific requirement
2.	Give birth to children and nurse them when young	Change nappies, burp, dress children and do their laundry. Carry them MORE than the mother to make up for inability to bear and nurse children
3.	Provide Family living costs -50%	Provide Family living costs -50%
4.	Household chores – 50%	Household chores – 50%
5.	Cook, clean, prepare food, help children – 50%	Cook, clean, prepare food, help children – 50%
6.	Expect to be treated with kindness, love and emotional support	Expect to be treated with kindness, love and emotional support
7.	Expect to participate and make important decisions and take responsibility for them	Expect to participate and make important decisions and take responsibility for them

Now, few can dispute the equality or fairness of the above arrangement, no matter what their feelings of a need for 'fifty-fifty' in marriage. It is’ Fifty-Fifty’ down the middle in all possible areas and a different but equal responsibility where it is biologically not possible to have exactly equal roles. Of course, it is very rare that the actual reality of a relationship or marriage is reflected in the above tables. However, it is possible to maintain the same level of fairness and achieve a different but equitable distribution of responsibilities and expectations.

To arrive at such a changed list, let us start with the above and do the following:

When the responsibility or expectations of one is changed under one column (either Man or Woman) there has to be a corresponding or agreed upon change to compensate the other party for any change away from unfairness. This way, each change to the above tables will result in a final table that will continue to be fair and equitable and something all can agree upon.

Okay, so shall we start and make a few changes progressively and see how different fair arrangements can be arrived at to suit different couples?

Item 1. Can you accept your partner as they are?

1.a) If not, what are your preferences in a partner?

Can the women suggest any special preferences or expectations they would like to have in a man for him to be acceptable as a partner? Can you take a moment to discuss and can someone read out a list?

The women all excitedly discuss among themselves for a few minutes and one of them reads out a list she has compiled.

1.a.1 -  Man needs to be tall, attractive/handsome

1.a.2 -  Man needs to be physically fit and dress smartly

1.a.3 -  Man should not have any addictions or bad habits - no smoking, no excessive drinking, no gambling

1.a.4 - The man should have some artistic or creative talent

1.a.5 - The man should be a good conversationalist - be able to listen with interest and talk interestingly

1.a.6 - Man must be atleast 2 inches taller than the woman

1.a.7 - The man must treat his wife like a lady, a cherished princess and want to lay the world at her feet

1.a.8 - The man must be masculine in his behaviour

OK, Now can the men discuss and come up with counter responses to each of these so that we can make the list perfectly fair again? Can one of you compile the list and read it out?

The men discuss the list put out by the women. A few minutes later one of them reads the list of responses to the women's changes to the list

1.a.1 - Woman needs to have smooth complexion and be physically attractive

1.a.2 - Woman needs to be physically fit and dress attractively

1.a.3 - The woman should not have any addictions or bad habits – no smoking, no excessive drinking, no gambling

1.a.4 - The woman should have some artistic or creative talent

1.a.5 - The woman should be a good conversationalist – be able to listen with interest and talk interestingly

1.a.6 - The woman must be atleast 2 inches shorter than the man

1.a.7 - The woman must treat her husband like a prince and want to please him

1.a.8 - The woman must be feminine in her behaviour

So, each of these items is added to the list and table looks as follows. It is now fair again.

Fifty-Fifty – Modified to suit personal preferences Round 1

Item	Woman	Man
1.	Accept Man as he is- No specific requirement	Accept Woman as she is – No specific requirement
1.a.1	Man needs to be tall, attractive/handsome	Woman needs to have smooth complexion, good hair and be physically attractive
1.a.2	Man needs to be physically fit and dress smartly	Woman needs to be physically fit and dress attractively
1.a.3	Man should not have any addictions or bad habits - no smoking, no excessive drinking, no gambling	The woman should not have any addictions or bad habits – no smoking, no excessive drinking, no gambling
1.a.4	The man should have some artistic or creative talent	The woman should have some artistic or creative talent
1.a.5	The man should be a good conversationalist - be able to listen with interest and talk interestingly	The woman should be a good conversationalist – be able to listen with interest and talk interestingly
1.a.6	Man must be atleast 2 inches taller than the woman	The woman must be atleast 2 inches shorter than the man
1.a.7	The man must treat his wife like a lady, a cherished princess and want to lay the world at her feet.	The woman must treat her husband like a prince and want to please him
1.a.8	The man must be masculine in his behaviour	The woman must be feminine in her behaviour
2.	Give birth to children and nurse them when young	Change nappies, burp, dress children and do their laundry. Carry them MORE than the mother to make up for inability to bear and nurse children
3.	Provide Family living costs -50%	Provide Family living costs -50%
4.	Household chores – 50%	Household chores – 50%
5.	Cook, clean, prepare food, help children – 50%	Cook, clean, prepare food, help children – 50%
6.	Expect to be treated with kindness, love and emotional support	Expect to be treated with kindness, love and emotional support
7.	Expect to participate and make important decisions and take responsibility for them	Expect to participate and make important decisions and take responsibility for them

Item 2. Would you like to change the expectation that each person be an equal financial provider for the household to suit your preference?

For Round 2, the women came up with the following

3,4,5.a.1 -  Man should be gainfully employed, financially strong enough to support the family even if woman cannot work

For Round 2, the men responded with the following

3,4,5.a.1 - Woman should be either gainfully employed and financially strong enough to support the family even if the man cannot work, OR the woman should be skilled in household chores – cooking, cleaning and maintaining a good house within a reasonable budget if the man is fully financially supporting the family

After adding the above modifications for varying financial expectations, the table now looked as follows!

Fifty-Fifty – Modified to suit personal preferences Round 2

Item	Woman		Man
1.	Accept Man as he is- No specific requirement		Accept Woman as she is – No specific requirement
1.a.1	Man needs to be tall, attractive/handsome		Woman needs to have smooth complexion, good hair and be physically attractive
1.a.2	Man needs to be physically fit and dress smartly		Woman needs to be physically fit and dress attractively
1.a.3	Man should not have any addictions or bad habits - no smoking, no excessive drinking, no gambling		The woman should not have any addictions or bad habits – no smoking, no excessive drinking, no gambling
1.a.4	The man should have some artistic or creative talent		The woman should have some artistic or creative talent
1.a.5	The man should be a good conversationalist - be able to listen with interest and talk interestingly		The woman should be a good conversationalist – be able to listen with interest and talk interestingly
1.a.6	Man must be atleast 2 inches taller than the woman		The woman must be atleast 2 inches shorter than the man
1.a.7	The man must treat his wife like a lady, a cherished princess and want to lay the world at her feet.		The woman must treat her husband like a prince and want to please him
1.a.8	The man must be masculine in his behaviour	The woman must be feminine in her behaviour
2.	Give birth to children and nurse them when young		Change nappies, burp, dress children and do their laundry. Carry them MORE than the mother to make up for inability to bear and nurse children
3.	Provide Family living costs -50%		Provide Family living costs -50%
4.	Household chores – 50%		Household chores – 50%
5.	Cook, clean, prepare food, help children – 50%		Cook, clean, prepare food, help children – 50%
3,4,5.a.1	Man should be gainfully employed, financially strong enough to support the family even if woman cannot work		Woman should be either gainfully employed and financially strong enough to support the family even if the man cannot work, OR the woman should be skilled and able to take complete responsibility for all household chores – cooking, cleaning and maintaining a good house within a reasonable budget if the man is fully financially supporting the family
6.	Expect to be treated with kindness, love and emotional support		Expect to be treated with kindness, love and emotional support
7.	Expect to participate and make important decisions and take responsibility for them		Expect to participate and make important decisions and take responsibility for them

Suddenly, some of the women were seen getting up and leaving the hall. They could see where the discussion was headed. They had had enough. It was the end of discussion for them. A few remained to continue valiantly.

Item 3. Would you like to change anything else to suit your preferences?

The last of the women remaining came up with the last additional expectation they had in a man

7.a.1. The man should ‘be a man’ and put the wife and children first and be ready to step up and step out in front of them to protect them from danger and hardships, putting his own interests last and putting his life on the line if need be.

The men came up with response to this.

7.a.1  After a certain point in debating or discussing issues and the men trying to convince them, the woman and children should obey the man, respect his decisions and support him even if they do not agree with them.

So, adding these two, the Fair Fifty-Fifty Table now looked as follows after round 3.

FiftyFifty – Modified to suit personal preferences Round 3

Item	Woman		Man
1.	Accept Man as he is- No specific requirement		Accept Woman as she is – No specific requirement
1.a.1	Man needs to be tall, attractive/handsome		Woman needs to have smooth complexion, good hair and be physically attractive
1.a.2	Man needs to be physically fit and dress smartly		Woman needs to be physically fit and dress attractively
1.a.3	Man should not have any addictions or bad habits - no smoking, no excessive drinking, no gambling		The woman should not have any addictions or bad habits – no smoking, no excessive drinking, no gambling
1.a.4	The man should have some artistic or creative talent		The woman should have some artistic or creative talent
1.a.5	The man should be a good conversationalist - be able to listen with interest and talk interestingly		The woman should be a good conversationalist – be able to listen with interest and talk interestingly
1.a.6	Man must be atleast 2 inches taller than the woman		The woman must be atleast 2 inches shorter than the man
1.a.7	The man must treat his wife like a lady, a cherished princess and want to lay the world at her feet.		The woman must treat her husband like a prince and want to please him
1.a.8	The man must be masculine in his behaviour	The woman must be feminine in her behaviour
2.	Give birth to children and nurse them when young		Change nappies, burp, dress children and do their laundry. Carry them MORE than the mother to make up for inability to bear and nurse children
3.	Provide Family living costs -50%		Provide Family living costs -50%
4.	Household chores – 50%		Household chores – 50%
5.	Cook, clean, prepare food, help children – 50%		Cook, clean, prepare food, help children – 50%
3,4,5.a.1	Man should be gainfully employed, financially strong enough to support the family even if woman cannot work		Woman should be either gainfully employed and financially strong enough to support the family even if the man cannot work, OR the woman should be skilled and able to take complete responsibility for all household chores – cooking, cleaning and maintaining a good house within a reasonable budget if the man is fully financially supporting the family
6.	Expect to be treated with kindness, love and emotional support		Expect to be treated with kindness, love and emotional support
7.	Expect to participate and make important decisions and take responsibility for them		Expect to participate and make important decisions and take responsibility for them
7.a.1	The man should ‘be a man’ and put the wife and children first and be ready to step up and step out in front of them to protect them from danger and hardships, putting his own interests last and putting his life on the line if need be		After a certain point in debating or discussing issues and the men trying to convince them, the woman and children should obey the man, respect his decisions and support him even if they do not agree with them.

Looking at the final list, an old-fashioned couple who were sitting in the audience started to laugh and could not stop laughing for a long time. Now, if you too, look at the final list and you can figure out what made them laugh, you will understand what is fair and what is not. What works best and what does not




Copyright  (c) Kannan Narayanamurthy 2015
All rights reserved