[He had never been envious of people who were better off than himself. He had never resented others' riches or possessions. Sometimes, he had felt a twinge of deep yearning to have what some of his friends had. He had lived with one friend's family and had often seen the father or mother opening the door to let in or welcome his daughter as she returned from school everyday. He had seen his neighbours open the door to let in their daughter when she returned from work. It was always a quick, casual, natural act without any dramas, even when they had something to say at each other or occasionally yell at each other the moment the door opened. Memories of those openings flashed by for a moment and a great wave of anger washed over him. He intensely envied his friend and neighbour their easy door openings right then.]
"Knock, Knock", the knocking sounded again, more firmly this time and brought him out of his sombre reverie. He composed himself for a second and walked over and threw the two unlocked doors wide open. His arms were open at his side from opening the two doors. They were ready as if to catch an angel. He stood there with a wide gentle, welcoming smile and a calm expression, but his hungry, thirsty eyes gave away some indication of the storm of feelings that was raging within. There were strong and turbulent waves of feeling crashing upon him and his daughter. A roller-coaster ride was about to begin in the middle of this storm.
All of them stood still, saying nothing, seemingly for the eternity of a second, only their eyes taking in everything.
He saw his daughter standing in front of him with an expression of curiosity, the curiosity of meeting a stranger. She stood straight, tall and held her hands together in front of her with the tissue in it. Her eyes rose up slowly to meet his. The first expression was one of searching for the father she vaguely remembered and imagined, inside this person in front of her. He could read this expression of her search and it tore a part of his already battered heart and a dark cold anger rose at those that had caused this awful situation between him and his child, while at the same time, he was thankful for what he had regained. He knew he should be grateful to fate, but could not help his feelings. He only knew how to deal with them peacefully.
The young girl saw a grey haired, middle-aged man of medium build, smelling of a fresh bath and coffee, dressed in a full-sleeved tartan shirt. His hairline had receded and the hair had formed an unruly halo around his head. His smile showed a warm welcome. As she looked into his eyes, she sensed something intense and suddenly her composure broke for a moment. His eyes seemed to be searching for something deep inside her. She could not figure out that it was looking to see something of the little girl he knew, to see if she recognised him. They were both looking for something from a long time ago to connect with, so that all the years apart would vanish in a jiffy.
The tentative expression of his daughter suddenly changed, her eyebrows furrowed just a little and the mouth curved slightly to indicate an almost frightened expression. She could not understand the reasons for his searching expression or feelings of hurt or anger, like he could. She was still a child.
Seeing her torment, an internal flash of pain seared his heart. He realised she had sensed his searching eyes and it had scared her. Two waves of feeling hit him, one after the other.
The first one was of love - suddenly his heart let him know that his eyes were not important, his look was. Immediately, his eyes softened and his whole appearance changed in his daughter's eyes. She visibly relaxed instantly.
The second feeling that came to him was something he had been used to for a long time. He had occasionally felt this before, He had practice in dealing with it and keeping it at bay. It was a searing hot ball of anger and resentment at those responsible for bringing this upon his daughter and himself. It was a deep and dark feeling that he could shunt aside for now.
"Hello! Sweetheart! Welcome home," he said in a steady voice, stepping up to her, his eager hands open.
The daughter too opened out her arms a little bit and barely had time to say anything or react when he was upon her and had his arms around her. He smelled the top of her head as he used to do when she was a baby. She smelled different now. He kissed her forehead and then held her in an tight embrace almost lifting her. He did not realise how strong his grip was until she gasped. She was taken aback by the strength and firmness of his arms.
"Darling, are you OK? Sorry..I did not realise. Silly me," he stammered piteously and stepped back, holding her gently by her arms on her side and looked into her eyes. He mentally cursed his fate for not having the right idea of how tight he could hug his daughter without crushing her. Again, he felt angry at those responsible for his fate.
The counsellor and his daughter saw the concern and tenderness in his expression.
"Dad! That's OK," said the girl tenderly.
Hearing her call him "Dad" brought him to another high of the roller-coaster ride he was on. The last time he had heard her call him, it had been "Daddy".
He almost knelt down to reach her height and this time tenderly hugged her. She returned the embrace with her hands around his neck. It suddenly seemed to take them back a long time ago.
"Dad, I love you!" said the girl, as she had planned on telling him.
He could not see his daughter's eyes as they hugged. She had closed them anyway and let her imagination carry her away. She could not see his eyes too, fortunately. But the counsellor could. He was restraining himself. He looked and gently held the hair falling behind on her shoulders for a brief while, confused as to what he wanted to do. He was not sure how to hold her naturally as other parents did. He did not know how she would feel. He wanted to run his fingers through her hair. The pain and joy were both only too evident. The counsellor saw his struggle and his restraint. Her eyes stung suddenly with her tears.
"I love you too, my darling! " said the father, his voice sounded a bit strange as it cracked despite his heroic efforts. The floodgates opened. A faint moan of pain escaped from him as he remembered waiting for this for a long time.
"I missed you Sweetheart," he said softly. In a few seconds he shuddered in silent sobs holding onto her. The daughter felt them and she patted his back as he used to do to her a long time ago.
"That's Ok Dad," said the daughter and continued in a singing voice,"All will be fine, darling of mine!"
It was a line he used to sing to her as a lullaby since she was a baby. He pulled back and looked into her face, laughed out loud among the tears.Suddenly he was singing it too, patting her back to the rhythm of the singing. They alternately looked at each other, laughed, smiled, cried and hugged for a long time. The counsellor stood there patiently.
He noticed the counsellor and realised he did not even know how long he should hug his daughter and when to let go. Again a dark wave of anger and resentment directed at 'those responsible', washed over him. He let it pass. He knew he should not keep them all standing outside. Suddenly, he got up and broke free gently from his daughter.
"Where are my manners?!! Let's go in. Come on in. Breakfast is ready," he said. He shook the hands of the counsellor, thanked her and reached out to get his daughter's luggage. He picked it up easily in one hand. With the other one holding his daughter's hand he led her across the door step into the house.
The counsellor walked in behind them, dabbing at her eyes.
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