He woke up early that morning, excited. He could not sleep well at all the previous night. His feelings were too many, too strong and kept him from simply relaxing and getting some much needed rest though he went to bed early. He felt like he could stay up and active and do anything he wanted to. He had so many plans and things to do once he woke up. It was about early morning around 4 am that he finally got into a deep sleep with a vivid dream. He woke up suddenly due to an involuntary reflex movement in his dream where he slipped as he came down the stairs.
He saw that it was still a while before the alarm was set to go off, but he could not get back to sleep. He decided to get up and make himself an early cup of coffee. He was feeling a bit tired and tense. Activity relaxed him. He started out to make the special breakfast he had planned. He had breakfast, lunch and dinner planned in great detail. The shopping for all the ingredients had been done and the pantry was full. He could not contain his excitement and thrill that his daughter was coming to visit him and stay with him. 10 years had passed since he had last seen her.
He remembered her the last time he saw her, as a little, smiling, happy 4 -year-old who had hugged him tight as he said 'Goodnight' as he tucked her in bed after reading her a bedtime story. He remembered her warm soft sweet smell. She always had looked directly into his eyes with a penetrating innocence, trust and love that he still remembered. As he read the story, he had watched those very eyes close gradually as she had drifted off to sleep with a calm expression on her sweet face. Her long dark tresses partly covered her face as she slept on her side. He had come back once again in a few hours to kiss her goodbye while she slept soundly, unaware of what was happening. He had been escorted out of the house that night by the police. His ex-wife had called them complaining of domestic violence when he had raised his voice in protest at her false allegations and pushed her away as she attacked him. It was an automatic response and policy to remove the man from the house when a woman complained of domestic violence - 'just to be on the safe side'.
He had been kept away from seeing his two children because their mother had gone into hiding and kept moving. It had taken many years to find them. Meanwhile, his youngest one, less than an year old when he had left home, had passed away and he had not known about it until recently. He had grieved over so many things he had lost that it felt strange that he seemed to take another one in his stride for a child he had barely known. He could not suppress the feeling of elation of looking forward to seeing his daughter and getting to know her. He could not approach his daughter as he was prevented by the law and his ex had legally contested it. He had to be patient until the court finally ruled in his favour. He could see his daughter and have some time with her to make up for all the years lost. He had followed the law and ten years had passed before he was finally, legally able to have his daughter visit him and stay with him for a while. They wanted to take it slow as suggested by the counsellors.
He had carried her memory and image in his heart every single day that they had been apart. He was a quiet man and did not speak much. He talked about his plans for meeting her but not much about how he felt. The counsellors noticed the internal intensity despite his almost deadpan expression and his changed voice as he said in almost a mild whisper that he would not be able to bear walking away from her after meeting her a few minutes or an hour after seeing her after all these years. The daughter had herself suggested a week to start with rather than a very short meeting. She had been led to believe a lot of untruths about her father in the years past and her memory of him was limited, but they still were loving memories.She wanted to get to know him.
It was arranged that a counsellor would bring along his daughter to his house that morning, spend a few hours to get everyone settled down and then leave. She would check on them occasionally during the week. If that week went well, they would arrange more time.
He hardly knew his daughter now and would not have recognised her on the streets. She must have grown into a young lady, he imagined. He had decided not to even talk to her over the phone before meeting her. He would not have been to able to hang up and if it did not go well it would have devastated him and her further. He had seen a few photographs that she had sent of herself over the past years. He could barely recognise her from memory in only one of them, taken a couple of years after he had last seen her.
The counsellors had talked with him yesterday. One had asked him about his plans for the week and watched him keenly. It had been easy to talk about his plans for the week ahead. At one point one of the counsellors had asked him directly " How are you doing?" to gauge his feelings. He was silent for a few seconds. It had been hard to answer and he had said gruffly "I'm alright."
From the counsellors he had found out his daughter's favourite foods, colours, her interests in clothes and movies and games. He even inquired a bit about her school, friends and got some advance information. He listened to them with grave intensity, took notes and pored over them for a long time alone, back at his house. He had spent a couple of weeks cleaning his house, organising his daughter's room, bed and decorating the room. There were shelves and closets with a few clothes, he wanted to go shopping with her to let her fill up the remaining space.
Copyright (c) Kannan Narayanamurthy 2015
All rights reserved
No comments:
Post a Comment