Walk Out Into My Own Life

The sun was setting.

"Dad, Dad! Can you please put this away in the rubbish bin?" asked the son, handing the old man the remains of the little meal that his toddler grandchildren had just finished at the park bench. 
"Sure, I will get it and clean up afterwards, you go on," said the old man.
The old man grabbed the bunched up mess and started to walk towards the rubbish bin that was a little distance away, at edge of the park, next to the main road.

The daughter-in-law was already halfway to the parking lot carrying a couple of large bags and pushing the pram at an angle away from the rubbish bins. The granddaughter, who would soon be five years old, had just put her own rubbish in the bin. She would soon follow her mother to the car. The little grandson was throwing a tantrum and resisting going home, as his father tried to gather him in his arms, lift him up and carry him to the car, while carrying a few bags on his shoulders. 

With small children and a modern lifestyle, it seemed parents always appeared to be packing for a mountaineering expedition on every outing. The old man smiled as he saw the little grandson break free from his father's grasp and land on the grass covered ground. He quickly got up and ran away from the reaching hands of his father who was encumbered and almost tripped up by the large bags he was carrying. The little tyke ran straight towards the old man.

"Dada, Dada!" the child called out with his arms outstretched and dashing towards him. The old man quickly made a decision. He took a couple of quick steps to reach the rubbish bin and dropped his load into it. He then turned around quickly, just in time to catch his grandson as he crashed into his legs. He bent, lifted the little boy up and held him face-to-face while standing up straight. The little boy kicked his legs in the air and rubbed the stubble on the grandfather's face with his tiny hands as he got a kiss on the cheek. He bussed the old-wrinkled grey-stubbled cheek. Both loved the feeling.

The boy's father was trying to get him to come with him so that he could put him properly into the special car seat for the drive home. The little ones hated their restrictive car seats and it was perhaps the reason the boy was trying to escape his father's grasp.

The old man knew a trick. He gave the boy a quick swirl, turned him around, facing away from himself, pointing towards the approaching father and set him down. Instinctively, the little boy, having just descended suddenly from the dizzying heights of adults and finding himself on the ground, took his first steps to steady himself, straight towards his waiting father, who scooped him up!

Just then the old man picked up the granddaughter, who was standing nearby and gave her a swirl as well. He remembered her as his first grandchild. She loved to brush her cheek against his stubbly chin. She hugged him tight, kissed him and then walked behind the father towards the car park.

As the kids were buckled-up in their respective car seats, the parents put away all the bags, folded the pram, put it in the boot and were preparing to leave, the old man went back to the park-bench and cleaned up the remaining mess. The son started up the car engine, set up the favourite music for the kids to listen to and waited for the old man to finish up and join them. He could see the old, slightly bent figure of his father walk towards the rubbish bin again. He dropped the stuff he was carrying into the bin. Wiped his hands with a wet tissue and threw it in the bin as well. Then he turned around and stood there. He could see the tiny face of the granddaughter at the window, the little boy was in the middle seat at the back. He could barely make out the son in the driver's seat. He blew a kiss towards them all, waved to them, as if in goodbye and walked out of the park.

The son and daughter-in-law could see the old man too, from the distance. For a moment they did not register what was happening.

"Where is he going?" asked the daughter-in-law.

"I don't know. Perhaps he wants to have a quick look at something interesting that caught his fancy. He is like that sometimes," said the son.

"Dada, gone bye-bye walk," the granddaughter explained to the little boy, who immediately waved his hands in his 'bye-bye' gesture.

"I hope he is not late, I am tired and want to get home soon and rest," said the son in a mild tone of annoyance.

"I know, long day tomorrow, Dear! Ready for your new job?" asked the daughter-in-law understandingly patting his arm.

"Yes, look forward to it, but it will be taxing," replied the son.

They waited a few seconds, their eyes tracking the walking figure of the old man. He started to walk along the side of the main road, in the opposite direction to what they would take going home. He seemed to be walking steadily, purposefully even if slowly.

"Where IS he going? Where is he headed?" the son wondered aloud, looking a bit puzzled. The old man did not once turn around to look back at them or indicate that he was aware they were waiting for him.

"There is nothing but bushland on one side of the road and a housing estate on the other side for a long, long while. We don't know anyone living nearby. Wonder what he is upto? This is not like him," said the daughter-in-law who knew more about the old man's circle of friends and acquaintances. They had lived together for many years with him since his wife had passed away. He had been a reliable rock for their family - an unpaid help around the house in everything that needed to be done, a father to his son and daughter-in-law, a babysitter, a tutor, a cook, a driver, a handyman, an accountant, errand boy, alarm clock and counsellor. He was a loving, giving father, grandfather and friend. They had had a wonderful relationship.

As the old man's figure became smaller and smaller in the distance, suddenly, it hit the son that something was not normal. He did not know exactly what to do. The kids had started to sing to the music and little one would soon be likely asleep.

"I'll go, check and bring him back," the son said, turning the car engine off, removing his seat belt and jumping out of the car.

The son started to walk briskly across the parking lot and out on to the road. He then saw the figure of his father almost fading into the shades created by the sunset. He broke into a run. He wanted to shout out, but decided against causing any drama or drawing attention to himself near other people. He steadily gained upon the walking old man. 

When he was just about twenty yards ahead, the son called out,"Dad!  Dad! Stop!! Where are you going?"

The old man heard him and stopped. He turned around. He waited for his son to catch up to him. Soon, the son stood panting and a bit out of breath, in front of him. The old man stood with a slight smile on his face, patted his son affectionately and signalled him to pause to catch his breath.

"Where are you going Dad? We were all waiting for you at the car. Its getting late and I have a long day tomorrow. Did you plan to go somewhere and not tell us? We can give you a lift!" said the son.

"No, No. That is OK. You go on home. I will come home later. I am going to Kamu's place. I have been meaning to visit him for sometime. Since speaking to him yesterday, I have this urge to see him and spend some time with him," said the old man, starting to walk slowly again.

"Which Kamu? The only Kamu I know as your friend is in the USA!! He is the one you spoke to yesterday, did you not?" said the son, quite puzzled and confused, and continued to walk alongside, turning sideways to see his father.

"Yes, the very same one, son. Yes, he is the one I want to visit," said the old man.

"But, Dad, He lives on the other side of the world...thousands of miles away...ten thousand miles," stammered the son with a dazed expression. It seemed surreal that his normally cool, rational and logical father had suddenly, without warning, gone stark, raving mad! He was himself not feeling quite good and had a great urge to hold his father and shake him into reality. He resisted.

"But, Dad! It will take you many days to get to Kamu, you cannot walk there to him," said the son, hoping that some logic would persuade his father to pause.

"Of course, son. I am not going directly to Kamu. I have to fly there, silly! I am going to stop at Raghu's place tonight and book the flights from there. I have been meaning to chat with Raghu as well. I have an open invitation from him for a long time," said the old man kindly, continuing to walk slowly.

Hearing this, the son did not know whether to believe his father was starting to sound more logical or more crazy. He thought it better not to challenge his father's totally bizarre sounding goal, but to tactfully work with him and persuade him to return home with him so that he could plan how to deal with him, while they were all safely at home and with perhaps a psychologist or psychiatrist present. The names of many terrible mental afflictions flashed through his mind. It sure seemed like he had a longer night ahead than he had wished for. At this rate, he was not sure, he would make it to work tomorrow.

"Dad! Listen Dad, Raghu's house is 50 kilometers away, on the other side of town. It is too long for you to walk. We can give you a lift. Come with me," said the son walking backwards, facing his father.

"Son, you have a long day tomorrow. You have had a busy, tiring day today. The kids need to get home to bed and rest. You and Anjali need your rest too. You have your hands full. Of course, I don't intend to walk 50 km to Raghu's place. I will take a bus or cab from a little further down. I feel like walking until it is dark. I enjoy the sunset and dusk whle taking a walk," said the old man, sounding quite calm and rational.

"Dad! What is the matter? What is happening? Is there something wrong? Did I or Anjali say or do anything to offend you? You know we would never mean to. Come home and let us talk it over," pleaded the son, his voice starting to crack.

"Son, No! It is not you folks, it is me.  I am sorry this came about suddenly like this without warning or notice to you. I just felt and realised this as I was cleaning up at the park bench. You and Anjali are now fully capable of taking care of yourselves and the little ones. Go on, they must be waiting and ready to turn in. Don't worry about me. I can take care of myself," said the old man, kindly. 

"Dad! I know something is not right. You are never like this. I am sorry if somehow we hurt your feelings. You should know we love you and would never want to push you away. Whatever the issue, don't do this. The kids and Anjali are in the car waiting. All of us are tired and need to get some rest before tomorrow. Let us talk it over at home calmly tomorrow when I get back from work. It will give us all time to calm down," pleaded the son.

"No, Son. I have got to do this. I need to set out on my own. Don't worry or fret. Just go back and get back to your schedule. I will come back after my wanderings," said the old man once again kindly but firmly.

"Dad! Why are you doing this to us? Tell me if something is wrong, Why all this? Why all the fuss..," the son stammered as an obvious tone of frustration and exasperation crept into his voice. Normally, he could well imagine how his father would feel about it but he was slipping now. He had never, ever been in such a situation with the old man before. 

For just a second, the look in the old man's eyes would have frozen rampaging Vikings in their tracks. The son realised that he better not proceed in that tone and wreck something important between them. His father had shown great restraint in dealing with him since his childhood and never reproached him for all the drama or fuss, he would only counter his reasoning with patience, even if exasperated.

The son looked defeated. The old man's look softened.

"That's OK. I can understand how you must feel or what might be going through your mind. I will tell you again -  Yes, something did not feel right to me, within me. It is not because of something you or anyone said or did today or just recently. It has built up from deep within me, over a long time. It just clicked suddenly. I need to be free for a while," said the old man calmly.

He stopped walking. He held his son by his arms on each side, looked at him steadily, into his eyes and spoke with a firm determination and resolve that surprised the son. He had never seen his father like this ever in his life.

"Look son. I hope I have been there for you when you needed me, until now. I have to be there for you and for all in the family. I put that above anything else. I may have not been perfect, but I can say I never put my wants or desires or fancies above anything I felt that you or the family needed. Now, today, I realised that there is nothing that you, Anjali or the kids absolutely NEED me for. You can take care of yourselves. You are all healthy and well-off. Sure, you will all have to do a few more chores at home without me, but you can and should be able to manage. 

If I hear that any of you is not well or need my help, I will turn right back and get to be with you ASAP. There may come a time in the future when you will need help and I will be there to help in anyway I can. But perhaps there is a small period of time when you dont need me AND I am well enough to be able to do what I want do do, go where I want to go, see what I want to see. There will certainly come a time when I will not be in a position to do anything like this. There may also come a time when I might need your help and I hope you will be there for me too.  Let me take this time and give this a go. 

Go home,son! Go without worrying about me. I hope you feel happy for me, because I have a chance to try this. Not everyone in the world gets to be in my situation. I have not walked out on you, I have only just walked out into my own life," said the old man in the most calm, quiet and determined tone the son had ever heard him speak.

"What about your change of clothes and stuff? Why don't you pick them up from home and go later tomorrow after you have packed and planned properly?" asked the son desperately hoping to point out the obvious, logical and calm approach that his father had taught him for so long.

The old man smiled to himself and it showed a little on the outside.
"I have my money, my credit card, my pension and savings. I can buy what I need. The night is still young and Raghu lives right next to the mall. I need very little, son," he said confidently.

The son stood dazed. He did not know how to make his father change his mind. He stood quietly for a few seconds. Anjali was watching them from the car. She saw them hug each other and saw her husband turn back alone, as the father-in-law waved again in her direction, turned and continued to walk away.

"It must be something important and understandable," she said to herself, puzzled nevertheless. They were both such normal, rational folk in her experience. She saw her husband walk slowly with his head down in deep thought. He looked back a couple of times to see his father walking away into the distance. The sun had just set and the sky was spectacular.



Copyright  (c) Kannan Narayanamurthy 2016
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