He sat reminiscing, reclining on the couch. It would the
first birth anniversary of the little ones. There would be a huge party,
friends and family would come, bring a lot of presents and shower them with
love. They would be at the stage when they would appreciate things with colour,
movement, sounds, enjoy playing with things, smiles, being carried up on the
shoulder and make delighted sounds. They would be toddling around. They would compete over toys, one had to
get two of anything and still they would want what the other had. They would
throw up unexpected delights, memories and funny antics with seemingly
limitless energy that only little children can come up with and delight the
hearts of grown-ups who can watch them for hours and hours on end without loss
of interest or excitement. Pictures and videos were always taken and shared
aplenty in these days of easy photography. Awake or asleep, they would steal the hearts,
mind and interest of some special people – grandparents, even more than the
parents who had to attend to so many other chores. Grandparents, while helping
out when they can, had more time for fun. They can enjoy the grandkids in a way
they could not even with their own children.
He remembered the little dolls, from the first days of
their birth, when they were tiny, a little premature and exhibiting such
natural charm and beauty while being blissfully unaware of it. He had watched
their progress over the next months as they grew, weathering tough challenges and
only increasing in cuteness, energy and interest in the world around every time
he saw them. He remembered their energetic kicking of legs against his belly as
he held them on his lap sitting on the couch. They would be strong kicks sometimes,
and if not held right, would feel like they might push themselves out of his
arms. It had been many years since he had held his own children like that and
they brought wonderful memories flooding back. The way they fit snugly when he
held them, their new baby smell, their angelic beauty when they slept, their
demanding company, grasping his finger with their tiny, soft hands with
surprisingly strong grip and sometimes sucking on them – memories came by and
passed like a train arriving and leaving a platform.
They were not his biological grandchildren, but it never
seemed to matter. They were the children of the child of the woman he was
seeing then. He had a vision and dream of them as one family. Once he held the
children in his arms, looked into their eyes and faces, heard their cries and seen
their smiles it was not even an issue, nor was there a second thought. He had
met them, seen them, held them or played with them only a few times and on
certain occasions, less than he might have liked, but it was always with the
feeling that they would be there in his life for the future. He now missed
them. For a few moments, the feeling was intense. He had to let it flow and
ebb. The mind slowly convinced the heart to let go. It had been many months
since he had last seen them. He realised that he had not seen them for as long
as the period that he had seen them since they were born.
Once you give your heart to a child, you can never take
it back. It is all over in a flash and indeed love at first sight. He had
dreams of their growing up, taking them for walks and treats and calling him ‘Naana’
(maternal grandfather). He was still in his early 50s, reasonably fit and
people often mistook him to be in his 40s, he did not look a grandfather most
of the time, except for his grey hair. It was the feeling of love and
connection with the little ones that made him realise what it felt like to be a
grandfather, not what he had heard or read. In some ways, it was like the
feeling of being parent – he had never truly understood it until he actually
felt the love for a child, at an earlier stage of life.
He had his own kids who were younger. It seemed like he
was rewarded with grandchildren a bit ahead of when he had expected. He could
not have been happier. With this feeling, he had started to think on the lines
of making his relationship with the woman he was seeing into a permanent one –
from a partner to a life-partner. He started making plans to propose and take
the next steps forward.
Alas, as they say, there is many a slip between the cup
and lip. Fate and human affairs of grownups are a lot more complex and
unpredictable. As fate would have it, his relationship ended. Relationships between
middle-aged adults, beyond their first marriages, can sometimes be over as quick
as they begin. It was probably for the best in the long run.
The sadness came from the fact that he was now cut-off
completely from the little ones as with
the rest of the family. While their adult parents took their stand and understandably
supported the grandmother, the ‘not-quite-official-grandfather-yet’ had no
place in their thoughts. No one cared to consider his feelings for the little
ones. He sought no legal rights. Only he wished that people were thoughtful
enough and gracious enough to let him still have a connection to the little
ones who had stolen his heart. Adults often, in their own pain, forget the pain
or implications for others. Such is the world and life.
He occasionally thought about the little ones and had to move
on with a heavy heart. It seemed strange that the human heart seems heavier
when there is some emptiness in it!
While it was not an ache that was easy to bear, there was
however, a saving grace and blessing of fate that he was thankful for – the little
ones were too young to remember him particularly. They would never even be
aware that he was missing from their life. They would never suffer even a pang
of missing him. He was grateful for that.
Copyright (c) Kannan Narayanamurthy 2015
All rights reserved
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