Someone I know suggested getting married today the 29th of Feb, saying one could save on anniversaries and anniversary gifts. So, I am putting out the resume of a middle-aged character named Kannan Iyer. It might take another 4 years exactly before he can find a partner with this resume..

Kannan Iyer

Objective:  Application for the position of lover and partner.

Qualifications:

_Separated successfully with body parts and sanity mostly intact from previous relationship.

_Most body parts and the mind still continue to perform their major assigned tasks to a reasonable level of performance.

_Ego a bit battered (which is a good thing, right?)

_Can provide unconditional love, with very little sought in return (a kind word a day and a smile will do).

_Will share food, clothing, and shelter.

_49 years old. Still a Spring chicken.. really more of a rooster! Even if I crow about it myself ;-)

_Will work to support ‘needs’, and ‘wants’ in that order.

_Can cook, clean, mow the lawns, do odd handy man jobs around the house.

Additional qualifications:

Still have original hair (what’s left of it),

Original set of teeth (2 wisdom teeth taken out in 1995 to match actual wisdom then, a pity they don’t grow back to match the wisdom now)

Failing eyesight (everything and everyone looks warm and fuzzy and nice),

Failing hearing (can ignore most rantings and high pitched yelling),

Original knee and hip joints with only normal, expected wear and tear.

Overall, body is in good condition with no leakages.

Possible disqualifications:

_Can and do sing,

_Cannot, but do dance (a natural at the old-man-in-pain shuffle)

_Cannot play any musical instruments (any instrument musically) unless the kitchen counter and spoons count

_Brutally honest at times, without even realising the consequences

Education (in Matrimony):  Have learned painful lessons for over 21 years.   A great measure of wisdom has been acquired very recently.

Prior Experience(in Matrimony):  Terrible Experience! Been married 20 years and failed at it once so far. Please note that if I had succeeded, I would not be applying for this job AND would be automatically disqualified for the position I am seeking. I understand that if this experience and failure is repeated too many times, that might count against me. Since it has happened only once and that makes me a prime candidate for the job due to the wisdom and knowledge gained by prior experience.

Achievements: Two wonderful children from the prior marriage, though they are accidental achievements, they have been truly loved, provided for, raised well, and are a testimony to my parenting capabilities. They are the only willing and truly independent referees.

Communication skills:

_Can nod head and agree with everything

_Can make sympathetic noises

_Can hold hands

_Can hold tongue (to counter the brutal honesty disqualification)

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Looking at my objective and my previous experience, one person has rightly questioned my claim of still being sane ;-) since I talk about being brutally honest sometimes. He says I have not learned anything from my previous job and hence should be disqualified for the job.

I can only plead guilty and plead insanity as my defence..

-Kannan Iyer


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